Lamposts stand and shine.
Lamposting is an art in which every social wingman must excel at. It is the techniques of stealth is married with the science of psychology creating a purely new discipline Lamposting is whatever happens when a friends invites you out with him and one of the opposite sex. This arrangement often promises that the couple, though for all intents and purposes are a couple; however, because of the lampost's presence, can plausibly deny being a couple! After all, three is a crowd.
Go back and read the paragraph again if you don't get it.
Now that we've got the legalistic hogwash out of the way, there are many rules one must follow towards being a professional lampost. Now you might wonder why is this socially awkward nerd trying to teach me how to be a lampost. Fear not, for I Joseph Wong, have all the training in the world to correctly guide you. When my brother's of spiritual relational bond had no one to turn to, they came calling me. I, through raging sun or shattering cold rallied to their aid regardless of personal interest. As such, my knowledge of how to be a lampost should therefore be sufficient. Or they somehow managed to get girlfriends all by themselves which might acutally be a more likely story.
Rule 1) Do not kill steal. This is the first rule of lamposting. As a lampost, you are supposed to grow and nurture a relationship between your two friends; not cutting off one and talking too much to the other. Hijacking the romantic relationship and forcing the girl to listen to you alone is a big no no. Do it and risk the girl falling in love with you and losing your guy friend to an abyss of hatred. This rule is also known as "do not spanar".
Rule 2) Try to keep your talking down to a minimum. Remember, your opinions are worhless, your wingman's opinions however, are as sacred as though they were carved in the heart of the statue of liberty.
Rule 3) If your wingman happens to be incompetent and lets the social exchange dissolve into terrifying awardness, be prepared to intercept the silence with a well timed comment your wingman's achievements. Or if your wingman is decidedly the humble stumble type, as the lady a question about her achievements or likes instead. Whatever would keep the conversation going.
Rule 4) Remember, the night or the outing is not about you, its about the two people your going out with. Therefore, never steal the spotlight. Instead, you should yourself be the stage light instead, allowing your two friends to shine, greatly illuminating each other's lives!
Rule 5) When you sense that they are essentially comfortable with eah other and the chemistry is sizzling between them. Ie. they are laughing and smilling and generally chatting with each other. I's time to pull back, walk five steps infront of them, or five steps behind them. Generally, one should walk behind as both your targets so they do not have to question what you're doing walking all by yourself.
Rule 6) If you sense that your presence might be keeping them from a breakthrough whithin their relationship. For instance, if your wingman would like to say something to her probably out of your earshot, for goodness sake! Go pee! Toilet breaks are excellent ways to leave the couple alone. This should also be done when the said couple are chatting quite sociably with each other. A little like stepping back to watch the flowers bloom.
A couple of ways to leave the couple alone without generating too much attnetion:
"eh I need to go pee"
"lemme go buy ticket for you"
"Wah! New video game! I need to go see!"
"An injustice is happening before me! I must intervene!"
"I need to go read book."
"Eh I go look for food."
So on and so forth.
Rules in the universal guide of lamposting writen in the annals of society will always be changed in relation to the culture of the seasons. However, be on the ball and take note of some of these techniques. Take note and indeed, steer your friends into the port of love.
