Phew.

I am melting. I feel like a fish being steamed in a steaming cooker. Or whatever you call that wierd canister thingy that steams fish. Sweat is my constant companion at the moment and my body odour my own brand of cologne.

I smell disgusting. Originally, cologne used to be on my list of must have's next to facial hair and a godlike athletic body. However, after finding out the amount of dead grapes or whatever goes into the diabolical mixture to produce its wickedly seductive smells, I decided to decline. After all, witht the sad tear jerking sight of roses smashed and stepped on inhumanely and cruely, who would want to? Which leads to the question, how do I smell wonderful in such a catastrophically hot day?

Well! There are so many inventive and creative ways really. Way number one, my favourite would be to get a bunch of your pals two days in advance of a hot day! If it isn't a hot day, then; coffee? Hang out with them! Do stupid things together, however, do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, fall asleep. At night, go play waterballoons or slap each other with wet towels shirtless! They are fun! Just get creative! After two days, you should be so exhausted you'll fall asleep instantly and not wake up all during that cruel day of olfactory torture.

Become a girl. Somehow, for some wierd reason, when God created Adam and Eve, he made Eve smell nicer. Imagine Adam prancing completely naked about through the woods of Eden wrestling with the butterflies from morning to dusk. What a gorgeous scent he must have had. Then God was like, I'm going to give this dude a Woman, or this woman a man, or whatever you prefer. And Kazaam! Woman. Being Adam's helper, she's got to be stronger where Adam's a loser at. Therefore, hello awesome smelling hair! Honestly, its not fair! whenever guys leave a pile of used clothes on the floor, the smell radiating from it is a potent mixture of stale sweat, dead skin and that indescribably humid disgust. However, when a girl leaves her mess on the floor, it's a nice smelling mess. I took that from a mag by the way. I have never before, in my unspoilt teenage life, sniffed a girl's mess. (mess being bunch of clothes)

Or, you could just take very consistent showers. On a normal day, I take about three showers, four max, two minimum. That's so I'll be clean and nice smelling in school, fresh smelling at home and a knockout in my dreams. It usually works too! Unless I do something stupid in the middle of showers, like be myself.

So! Long story short! There is almost no way for me to escape the crushing smell of my very own. So, for my birthday, why don't you guys get me cologne that doesn't involve the killing of innocent grapes and flowers. Cause, grapes and flowers are living things too.