How To Make Chinese Veggie

First, one must understand the fundamental pillars of chinese cooking. These are:

Garlic

Onion

Lee Kum Kee (oyster sauce)

Soya Bean Sauce.

Once you begin to congtrol the four elements of chinese cooking, you can cook anything you want! Just put soya sauce, and garlic. It is then guaranteed to taste vunderbar! However, if you still think it tastes bland, get some Lee Kum Kee and dominate your tastebuds with it sweet, salty taste. It being sweet and salty, how can a true blooded chinese such as a myself possibly stand not dipping my taste bud dipper into the delicious dishes? 

So here on chef Wong! I shall teach you how to make chinese Veggie! The first step, is not very important. First buy any veggie you like! However, don't buy veggies that look brown or red or yellow or whatever for that matter. The veggie must be green as a bean! If its anything else, you've bought a chicken or a potatoe and potatoes are not good for your toes. 

Rinse the veggies. Remember. We must eliminate anything brown, or yellow, or red for that matter. All veggies must be green, there must be nothing brown, or yellow, or red for that matter. 

Cut up the veggies in bite portions. DO NOT SLICE THE VEGGIES INTO GULLIVER SIZE. Just don't; chinese eat with chopsticks, not knives and forks. Next step, start chopping ze garlic and onions. 

Fry the onions and the garlic and until you smell ze delicious aroma. Wow! Tantalizing, if its smells italian, you've got it wrong. If it smells like a chinese woman, chances are you've got it wrong too. If it smells like Garlic and Onions being friend? Dang it, you're right on track!

Toss in the vegetables. Be prepared to here the simmer and the zimmer. Simmer and zimmer ist veli gud. I speak in german because you must be as precise as a german here! Grab the rice wine and agak agak, (the complete opposite of precise) pour in the rice wine. Thats going to be the sauce. The agak agak again throw in Lee Kum Kee! If you're trying to stuff a chinese woman into the frying pan, chances are you're wrong. Put down you're mom and reach for the oyster sauce. Fry. 

Next! Add water to make zee sauce saucy and zexy. Make it purr like a kitten. Once your got the purr (sizzle and zimmer). You've got it right. Wait for it to soften and WALA! 

Your steak is finished.